An exciting new adventure

I love food, and I love to cook, but lately, especially with work preventing me from really ever cooking dinner during the week, I’ve been in a food-rut. It’s just too easy to live off of bread and butter pickles, Nature Valley bars, and the occasional cafeteria dinner. I wanted a new challenge, and so I have gone vegan. It’s challenging timing, since my friend just gave me Alaskan salmon and moose meat for my birthday (and is going deer hunting next week, and had promised me venison), but it’s so ten give been thinking about for some time, and I didn’t want to put it off any longer. I officially started today, and so far it’s pretty much my normal diet, with slight alterations (earth balance instead of butter, a bit of Laura’s soy milk (I forgot to pick up almond milk yesterday, and the store is closed today) in my cereal). Grocery shopping was fun yesterday- I went to Natural Pantry, and spent way too much money on things like chickpea flour, and what was apparently a male squash (the checkout person asked me “what kind of squash is he?”).
The people at work all think I’m making a colossal mistake, and everyone I’ve told has tried to convince me not to be vegan (one person actually accused me of putting on airs, and thinking I’m better than bears, since bears eat meat), but I’m giving it a chance. If nothing else, it’s a bit of variety, and I need more veggies in my life anyway.

You can learn a lot from Lydia

I’m exhausted. This week felt like five weeks, and I barely got to yoga, so I feel even more depleted. I did go yesterday though, and it was wonderful, with lots of fun flows involving jumping.
I was so tired this morning that I almost slept through an appointment, but that little part of my brain that keeps track of that kind of thing woke me up just in time. I was a little nervous, but my mind was made up, and now I have a tattoo. I’ve always gone by myself for my body modifications (both my belly button and eyebrow piercings were done on an impulse, but there is an element of machismo involved, and I took some pride in not bringing anyone to hold my hand. Nervous or not, I didn’t want to seem afraid), but a tattoo hurts a lot more than a piercing, and I briefly wished I had brought some moral support person, before steeling my nerves (and hearing that the tattoo parlor doesn’t allow spectators anyway). Tattoos do hurt though, and mine is on the top of my foot, which made it extra painful, because there isn’t much to cushion, so the needle was felt like it was right up against my bones. I’m always relieved when I see the finished product and realize that I do actually like the change I’ve just made to my body (this was especially true with my eyebrow, since I got it pierced in a fit of pique, and so didn’t really think it through, and would have been very sorry if it looked awful), and I’m quite pleased with my new addition. It’s bigger than I had planned- it covers the whole top of my foot, but I like it. I think it’s pretty, and I can see this tattooed foot standing in some cool places. It looks like a foot that would go on exciting adventures.
There will be pictures by and by, but it’s bandaged until tomorrow, and I want to wait until it looks healed and nice, so that the tattoo ambivalent readers won’t worry that I’ve disfigured myself. It doesn’t hurt anymore, but I’m still so tired that I’m spending the day lounging barefoot, watching Sex and the City, and rereading Cold Mountain. It very relaxing, and just what I need after a very long week.

Merry X-Men!

It’s midnight- I officially survived my first (and hopefully only) solo Christmas! It honestly wasn’t too bad, but it also never fully felt like Christmas. I woke up late this morning, and plugged in the tree, and made myself a cup of tea while I considered my options. Part of me wanted to immediately call my family, but I decided to open gifts and go skiing first, just to guarantee that I wouldn’t get depressed and homesick and sit on the couch and watch Doctor Who all day instead of making my own holiday fun. Opening gifts by myself was a little boring, since half the fun is seeing what other people got, and watching their reactions, but I got an excellent haul this year. The clear winner was a beautiful Holden Caulfield deer hunting hat- I immediately it on, and wore it all day, skiing, sitting around the house, I even wore it at work for a bit, during report, and then while I pulled meds. It’s a great hat, and I don’t usually like hats, so it’s a true testament to how perfect a chord it strikes with me that I never want to take it off. All of my presents were wonderful, and I felt incredibly fortunate, even though I was disappointed that I didn’t get up at 4:00 to watch my family open their
presents.
After gifts (and the traditional panettone breakfast- my mom sent me an individual-sized one!), I suited up in all of my new cold weather gear, and braved the -9 degree cold to go skiing.it was the kind of cold that makes your breath firm ice crystals in your hat flaps, and freezes your nose shut, but I got a couple of miles in anyway. It was very still out, and I only ran into three other skiers who had been willing to brave the cold in the name of exercise and communion with nature. I haven’t been sing as much as I would like, so I’m still pretty ungainly, and it generate a lot of heat, but today it served me well, and I managed to get good and sweaty, despite the frigid temperature.
I had hoped to get sushi for my Christmas lunch, but the places like was closed, so instead I had one of my very favorite sandwiches- roast chicken (substituted for roast turkey) on rye, with mayonnaise and cranberry sauce. Heavenly. I actually made two sandwiches, and brought the second to work to eat at dinner, and I suspected the visiting families who watched me eat it in the cafeteria felt sorry for the poor nurse, eating a cold sandwich for Christmas dinner, but I was very satisfied.
I’ve been floating around to the different units this week because we have low census on my floor, but I begged my manager to let me go “home” for Christmas, so I spent the night on Adolescent Girls. It was great to be back- I like the other units, but no other staff holds a candle to my people, and I made them all toffee and chocolate-covered pomegranate seeds as a show of my appreciation and devotion. They we’re the on,y gifts I have this Christmas where I got to see their reception (even my roommate’s gift had to be left on the kitchen table for her to find because ours Hercules were so different before she flew south for a Christmas on the beach), and the candy was very well-received.
Work was crazy tonight, since a lot of the kids were. Wry unhappy to be in the hospital on Christmas, so there were a couple of blow-outs, but nothing too scary or dangerous. I did get to put on The Muppet Christmas Carol, but only up until Christmas Past, since the kids were exhausted from a long day of festivities and tantrums. I appreciated them indulging me though, and I couldn’t help singing along a little bit, though it did make me miss my sisters and cousins.
I’ve somehow managed to get through this holiday season with minimal tears. I miss home dreadfully, but I still feel so loved, that I’m buffered from being too lonely. This morning when I went out to ski I discovered a little care package from a friend in Baltimore, sent in a water bottle, and containing a bounty of love and treasures (homemade mini peppermint meringues, a little paper doll of my friend, a paper snowflake), and I was almost undone by how very much I love the people in my life. I’m incredibly lucky that I have the opportunity to live in Alaska, and pursue this dream, while still having people keep me warm with their love from 5,000 miles away. I don’t even have words to articulate how safe, and treasured it makes me feel, and I’ve been trying all day to be worthy of all my good fortune.
I had planned on curling up on the couch with a cup of tea and some Netflix, but my tea has been drunk (delightful lavender chamomile from my bottle care package, and just the thing to wind down and cleanse my palate after a night of nibbling sweets (I wasn’t the only one who brought treats to work)), and my eyes are getting heavy. I foolishly volunteered to work a 12-hour shift on the adolescent boys’ unit tomorrow, so I should get some sleep while I can, though it’s hard to motivate myself off the couch and out of my hat (I’m not going to go as far as sleeping in it), when I am SO comfortable. It’s for the best though- I’ve slept on this couch/futon, and I know I’ll be better off in my bed.
Merry Christmas!

Sad

My computer is not holding up the way I would have hoped. First the power cord died, so I bought a replacement, and then the battery stopped working, so I’ve been running it without a battery, just leaving it plugged in, and now the replacement cord is kaput. I’m starting to think my non-student lifestyle could get by with just a tablet. I need to be able to Skype my family on Christmas, and I doubt my battery has enough life to watch all of Little Women, let alone stay charged until Wednesday.

Tree

Image

If Only

There are times when living in Alaska fits me like a glove. I felt it the minute I stepped off the plane- this was the place for me. I love stepping out my front door onto a cross country ski trail, I love seeing bears frolicking on the side of the road, and I’m a giant fan of how much salmon people eat up here. I’m going to have the whitest Christmas in years- we have the kind of snow that Buffalo hasn’t gotten in ages. Snow at Christmas is very important. Not as important as family though, which is the unfortunate truth that will eventually cause me to pack up and move back East. If my heart didn’t belong with my family, it would belong in Alaska.

Part of being a relatively new driver is discovering all kinds of little quirks that you don’t notice as a passenger. Windshield wipers are worse than useless when they’re covered in ice, but that had never occurred to me- I had seen people pull them out so they stuck up, but I thought that was just so they wouldn’t freeze to the windshield. So that’s an exciting new thing I learned today. I also drove on the highway with really bad visibility for the first time. I clearly survived, so it wasn’t that bad, but it is an interesting experience, and made me wish we were further along with teleportation technology. I had to go out though, because I needed a Christmas tree.

You would think that Christmas trees would be huge and cheap in Alaska, since the whole state is pretty much forest, but you’d be mistaken. My tree actually came up from Minnesota, and was absurdly expensive (I spent about twice my planned budget on it). It smells great though, and it’s very pretty (I haven’t decorated it yet, since it’s still really wet, but I’ll post pictures when I do). I’m trying to get into the Christmas spirit, but it’s weird knowing I won’t be home. I’m doing my best, rereading Little Women, watching A Charlie Brown Christmas, listening to Christmas episodes of This American Life while I cross country ski, and it’s helping, but I’m not sure that it will ever feel like Christmas without my family.

I’m trying to come up with new traditions for my solo Christmas. They’re selling panettone at Carrs, but the wrong kind (I like it with the candied chestnuts), and I’m hesitant to buy an entire cake for myself, so I’m trying to think of a special Christmas breakfast I could make this year. I don’t know if the things I do will really be traditions, since I plan on going back to the old ways after this year, but I want to make this Christmas special.

Are there laws about importing taxidermy? I really want a taxidermy raven, crow, or magpie, but all the the nice ones I’ve seen have been from European vendors. They’re also really pricey, but I think it would be worth it.

Well I tried

MeetUps are depressing. I somehow always end up with ten single fifty-somethings, and there are pictures, and people say “cheese” in a really drawn-out, overly goofy voice, and it bums me out. I did try though, so I think I should get some credit. I went to a museum (it was actually a pretty good museum too, which was a pleasant surprise), and listened to children sing Christmas carols in their piping voices (it was not good. I spend my whole work week with kids- I don’t want to listen to children sing in my free time unless they are actually talented singers. Being cute alone doesn’t butter any parsnips with me), and went to a chain-y kind of sports bar and ate a meh, floppy, individual-sized pizza, and listened to everyone at the table describe their diet plan for the holidays (no carbs are a popular option). Just recapping it is making me feel tired, and sort of sad (this one lady took the bus to the MeetUp, and told us she dressed up specifically, including fancy lingerie, and it made me feel super sad for her. I know Anchorage is a city, so the bus shouldn’t be depressing (I took the bus everywhere in Baltimore, and it almost never struck me as pitiful), but there’s something about waiting for a bus in Alaska that seems incredibly grim). So that was unfortunate.

I worked last night, and it kind of rocked. I got to lead a (mini) group, because there were three nurses, so I was the bonus, helper nurse. It was a little weird working with different nurses, and because they’re only around during the weekend they don’t really know the girls, which made me feel awesome, and like I was super in the know, but I liked just floating around, being helpful. I didn’t have to pull or give scheduled medications, so I just did all the little stuff that gets shoved to the side during the week. I even helped with a hold! I’ve done two holds this week, and it has been exciting and not scary, and I want to point it out to my manager, because he told me to be in more holds. My group was pretty successful, but I wish I had been allowed to talk about more things, because it only lasted about fifteen minutes (Use condoms! Douching is not a good method of birth control! Just…don’t douche. Who told all of you girls you need to douche all the time? Cut that out! The end), but it was a lot of fun, and I think the kids liked it too. I want to work more weekend shifts and do more groups, and not go on depressing MeetUps.

 

And now we regroup

One of my coworkers is in a rough patch right now, and the other day we discussed whether we are optimists or pessimists. He stated that he used to be an optimist, and is now a pessimist. Another coworker chimed in that he’s a realist (which wasn’t an option, and so I think is a cop-out)- he plans for the worst, and hopes for the best, and so isn’t flustered either way. I supported my optimism with the argument that anticipation of things going well is rewarding in and of itself- even when things don’t work out and I’m disappointed, I at least got to feel something positive before the other shoe dropped. Looking forward to something can be a lot of fun. It can also make you feel robbed, and like you lost something before you even had it, which is where I am right now. I am not getting a puppy.

My dad suggested I keep fighting it. He’s a firm believer in the best argument winning out, and I have some good points (dog walker, crate training, timed dog feeder), but if someone doesn’t want to live with a puppy you can’t convince them otherwise. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone to press the issue into bad feelings and resentment territory. I’m bitterly disappointed, but I see my roommate’s point, so I’m accepting this. There will be a time in the foreseeable future when I won’t need to have a roommate (not in Alaska, because holy crazy-high rent, Batman!), and then I’ll be able to make decisions based solely on my own needs. That isn’t the case right now.

So this is what I’m going to do- I’m going to keep going to yoga. I was planning on canceling my membership once the puppy came, but now I’m not going to. I’m going to call the Harm Reduction people to follow up on my volunteer application. I’m going to go to a MeetUp thing tomorrow, and dust off my social skills. I’m going to call the scheduler at work and try to pick up as many extra shifts as I possibly can (they send out text messages asking for people to pick up shifts, but I don’t get them because I have Verizon), and make some extra money. I’m going to go to the animal shelter and pet some cats, and maybe look into volunteering there too. I’m going to keep trying to make being up here something other than a collection of miserable experiences. I’m an optimist, and I’m going to stay that way, no matter what gets thrown in my direction.

Well that’s just cruel

I got two emails today, from two breeders. One was from the English Springer Spaniel breeder- her dog had puppies on Monday- four girls, one boy, all black tri. They’ll be ready to go home January 27. I also heard from a toller breeder, who is going to have pups ready in February. “But Caroline,” you’re saying “that’s the best kind of hard decision to have!”. Normally I’d agree, but as it happens, today my roommate told me she’s not comfortable with me getting a puppy. On the day that I have two perfect puppies dangled right before my eyes. I am having a truly terrible time lately. I know I sound incredibly self-pitying, but it’s true. I had my heart broken, there’s…the job…stuff…, I have zero social life, and I got dumped. I’ve also done something to my ankle, but I’m mostly ignoring that, because if I stop going to yoga I’ll just start crying and never stop. I am having a hard time, and I just wanted a puppy. Not even any puppy- I wanted that Springer Spaniel. I’m not even that tempted by the Tollers- I just want the puppy I had planned on.

It’s entirely understandable that my roommate changed her mind. It truly is. Puppies are a lot to take on, and she lives here too, and I understand her hesitation. She isn’t wrong, and I’m not angry, or resentful (ok, maybe a little, but not in a way that will poison our relationship), but I am crushed. Granted, with the streak I’m on, it doesn’t take a lot, but it hurts. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend, and I didn’t even know the puppies had been born until tonight when I got off work and checked my email. I really thought this was going to be it, and having that taken away is awful.

 

What I’m doing

I had a very productive Sunday. I went to Mass (for the first time in Alaska- I somehow never managed to get it together to go until now, but I always try to have good attendance during Advent), the library, yoga, and The Nutcracker. Mass was ok, but I spent the entire time worrying my skirt was too short (it totally was), and I think I’ll need to shop around a little more. I know it’s a little thing, but I really feel like Catholic churches need to be beautiful, and beautiful buildings are few and far between in Anchorage (they meet all of their beauty needs with the scenery. Right now everything is covered in horfrost, and it’s devastatingly pretty. It looks like the entire world is made of ice). The priest also had an annoying voice, and it was a twenty minute drive from my house, so I need to keep looking.

Yoga continues to be awesome, and my favorite part of the day. I just signed up for my weekly classes, and I’m pretty sure this membership is the best thing I’ve done for myself in a long time. I’ll be sorry when the puppy comes and I need to take a break, but for now, yoga is keeping me happy and sane.

The Nutcracker was a nice treat. I actually got free passes, because up until Friday, I had been dating a member of the orchestra, and he generously offered them to me, and then still followed through, even though he decided to end things. I’m feeling a little bitter about it, mostly because I liked knowing I would socialize with someone other than my coworkers at some point during the week, but it’s mostly ok. I didn’t say hi when I spotted him in the lobby afterwards, but I think it’s fresh enough that I can be a little rude (I also just Facebooked him to say thank you again for the tickets, so I’m not entirely without manners). It’s a little depressing that I can’t seem to get a relationship to stick, but…well, but nothing. It’s depressing. At least I got to go to the ballet though- that was nice. I went with a pleasant girl from work, and we both agreed that we should hang out more. Making friends is hard, but I’ll have a much nicer holiday season if I make an effort to be social.